You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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