nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
