Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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