fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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