I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
