I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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