There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
