dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
please come you make the beer taste better
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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