So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
