your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
