If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
