Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
