Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize