You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
