This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
