I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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