So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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