if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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