I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
