ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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