All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
