Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
