When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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