I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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