oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
