i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
