Pants 0. Shit 1.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
