I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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