Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
