Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
