The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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