btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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