go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
