I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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