My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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