he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
