I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
