I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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