i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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