And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
