Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
