I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
