We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
