My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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