Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
