I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
