Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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