I think my vagina is haunted
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
