like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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