It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
