the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
