It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
