we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
