saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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