I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
