Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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