how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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