You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
