I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
