In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
